I had this whole post written out yesterday and was going to save it to be posted today… but my computer crapped out on me and deleted the whole thing. It was a marvelous story.. Now you get the shorter (but still long) version with less OOMPH…
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s! See more here!***
My senior year of high school I had no friends. They had all already graduated and moved away to college.. so naturally, when I started waiting tables at the newly opened Bob Evans in Stafford, I quickly latched on to all the people there who were close to my age and we became bestest friends… sort of.
One of these people was a guy named Chris. He was slightly overweight, with most of it concentrated to his stomach and upper thighs, and worked as a cook in the hell hole restaurant. We hung out a bunch.. went to movies with other people we worked with, and hung out at his parents house. [Winner!]
He flirted with me a lot… I flirted back… and one night while we were hanging out at his house, one thing led to another and we ended up naked in his stinky twin sized bed. I’m a slut. [He was 24... twin bed still?? Come on!] Before this, I hadn’t seen his package… after this, I wished I had NEVER seen his package and never wanted to see it again.
As I was helping him pull off his pants, I saw it. Or at least I thought I did. It was really small. Like the size of your ring finger if you have normal sized hands, small. I even had to lift a roll of fat up a little to get to it. *shudder*
I was a little drunk.. and proceeded anyways. He told me he wanted me to ride him.. So I assumed the position.. I kept trying to make sure he was hard.. it didn’t seem like it was big enough yet… but he told me he wanted me, so I slipped it in.
Wait. DID I slip it in? I couldn’t feel it. I was thinking about how SMALL it really was.. and how stupid this was… then I did something he will never forget.
I thought out loud.
“Is it in yet? I can’t feel it. UGH! It’s too small! This is stupid Chris… we shouldn’t be doing this!”
He grabbed me on both sides of my hips and threw me to the side… being that it was a small bed, I tumbled off onto the floor and hit my head on the night stand.
He stood up and started yelling at me. I sat there clutching my forehead in pain.
“Get out! Grab your fucking clothes and get out of my house! You NEVER tell a guy his dick is small! What the hell is wrong with you Erica?! God! You fucking bitch!”
Obscenities followed me around the room, down the stairs and out to the street as I gathered my things, less one shoe, and ran to my car.
He didn’t talk to me at work for a month. If I put a ticket in the window for a food order, he passed it to one of the other cooks.
I quit working there shortly after and went off to fail my freshman year of real college.
I saw him at NOVA (Northern Virginia Community College for all you non-locals) [read: NOT-real college] a year later. He had lost all of his fat and was actually kind of handsome.. he told me he still had my shoe if I wanted it back. And told me we should hang out sometime.
I didn’t. And said ok.
We did hang out. For about 30 minutes… he was already drunk when I got there, tried to feel me up and got shot down. I remembered how small his dick was and how much my head hurt when he hurled me into the corner of the nightstand, and told him I preferred guys with a little more “substance” and who didn’t still live with his parents at 25.
He threw a bottle at me as I walked out of the house.
I keyed his precious car. 
