TMI Thursday: Bet you didn’t know THIS could happen!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s! Read more here!

I’m baaaaack!!! You know you missed me!

Hopefully no one that doesn’t need to, stumbles upon this and tells mommy dearest I am posting this picture…

If you don’t like gross pics.. don’t scroll all the way down! I’m warning you!

If you read my blog on a somewhat regular basis, you may know that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago in August. She had a bilateral mastectomy (removal of both breasts) and so far is cancer free! YAY! About a month or 2 ago, my mom had her reconstructive surgery. In order to enlarge her breasts, she had fake implants, if you will, put in to stretch the skin after her mastectomy. They were hard as rocks, and could be pumped up as needed to get larger and larger.

Every man’s dream right? Inflatable breasts?

Anyboob. Once they were of adequate size, the stretchers were removed and implants were inserted to make them more realistic and squishy.

Well… last week, I get a call at 3am from my sister telling me that mom’s boob had split open and the implant was sticking out and they are taking her to the emergency room.

So a little education lesson:

Apparently when you have lots and lots of radiation it weakens the skin.

Capillaries that supply blood to the skin sometimes don’t grow back.

Skin is thin and not as tough as it was before…

Apparently it happens A LOT. Even with normal boob jobs. They just rip open and spill out silicone and grossness.

That being said… Her boob ripped open… you can SEE the implant. It was bleeding. and gross. and i wanted to throw up.

I love you Mommy!

here you go!

Ready?

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Maybe you don’t think it is THAT gross.. and that’s good! But I do!

***I would also like to point out that I think breast cancer is very serious!! And I am in no way trying to make this situation inappropriately comical, but somtimes you just have to laugh a little.. it helps with the recovery!!***

Oh wait. Yes I am.

<3

San Antonio fails me again

Wow. September 3rd was the last time I posted! Whoops! I have been neglecting the blog world for a couple weeks. My usual free time at work that I would fill with blog reading and web surfing has instead been plagued by actual work, whining and more work.

What?!?! Do actual work AT WORK?! NO way! Yes Way.

I was given the pleasure of taking another business trip to beautiful San Antonio, Texas the week of September 21st.

I bet you wanna know how my trip went? Too bad. You’re reading anyway.

My flight out of BWI  on Sunday was delayed over an hour because it was “raining” in Atlanta. Apparently it was misting. Since when does mist delay flights?

I finally get on the plane, and am sitting in the middle seat all way in the back. By the potties. YUCK. Of course, I get stuck between to extremely large people- one being a girl about 19 years old and the other an older lady, probably in her 60’s. I got to my seat after the old lady. I was hoping no one was going to sit next to me so I could move and spread out. No dice.

The girl couldn’t walk down the isles without turning sideways.

Now I have no problem with fat large people, but I thought after a certain size you had to buy two seats?? She tried to sit down and had to push down REALLY hard to fit into the seats. Her rolls were spilling out over the arm rests into the isle and my seat.

I had to sit with my arms pulled in and in front of me the whole flight like a sardine in a can.

When she had to get up to go to the bathroom, she had a really hard time getting out of her seat. I felt bad for her. She seemed really nice! Of course people were staring, and every time she bumped into someone she apologized and looked embarrassed.

Someone shoot me if I ever get like that.

To put the icing on the cake, someone had to take a massive shit in the bathroom about 30 minutes into the flight. I could HEAR the moaning. When they opened the door, the stench wafted out in an imaginary cloud like someone just threw nerve gas into the plane or something. I had to shit there, right by the shitters for the last hour and a half smelling remnants of whatever Granny had for lunch before she boarded the flight.

It. smelled. SO. BAD. I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little.

The culprit?

The little old lady sitting next to me.

Yuck.

The rest of the week consisted of me hacking my lungs up and using enough Kleenex to blow my nose to fill a city Silo.

I asked the cleaning ladies for a box 5 times.

I worked a little too.

This trip was LE SUCK.

TMI Thursday: More Shit Than You Can Shake A Stick At

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!   Check out more posts here!

So this isn’t so much a TMI post as it is HORRIFICALLY/ABSOLUTELY disgusting in my book because I had to clean it up.

Let me preface this by stating that Zac is gone all week and I was/am so overwhelmed by just taking care of two dogs (namely Loki because he is like 3 dogs in one).

Tuesday morning, I woke up early to let our doggie children outside to potty and then fed them.  Then I let them crawl back into bed with me to snuggle for another 30 glorious minutes of sleep.

This was followed by me getting dressed for work, giving them both treats and attempting to jury rig the bedroom door so they don’t escape during the day and pee or poop in the house. This consisted of me taking Loki’s nylon leash, putting the handle part over the door knob and pulling it tight and tying it to the railing. I even pushed on the door and it didn’t open.

[I should also mention that the same day, I dropped my brand new Blackberry in the toilet at work.... and it died...so I spent 2 hours at the Verizon store in Tyson's trying to get a new one.]

FAIL.

When I got home, both dogs greeted me at the door. Then it hit me.

This HORRIBLE, RANCID smell… of SHIT. I looked around and didn’t see anything at first.. so I thought maybe one of the dogs farted, cuz their farts are pretty disgusting… as I ventured farther into the house I saw it.. I literally almost passed out and vomited at the same time.

Let’s draw a picture of what the house looks like sans disaster… the walls aren’t ugly colors anymore, now they are a light khaki color (because these colors are hide0us) and all the mess is gone…

Picture of new walls and… shit… everywhere.. EVERYWHERE!!!

This picture doesn’t do justice to the amount of Diarrhea Shit I found ALL over the upstairs… there were paw prints where the dogs had stepped in it ALL over the carpeting  in the house.

The smell made me want to throw up… the shit piles extended all the way to the bathroom door where the BIGGEST pile was sitting, right on front.. 3 inches away from tile.. on the CARPET. Couldn’t he have taken 1 more step and pooped on the tile?!?!? It would have been sooo much easier to clean up!!!

Then right next to the giant pile of shit on my carpet… was a steaming turd, that had ever so graciously been placed about 1 foot up onto the wall, and slid down, all the way to the carpeting and gotten smooshed into the crown molding and carpet strips…

To top the Sundae of shit that is my life- Loki even peed in the bathroom, all over my bath mat and shirt that was lying on the floor…

I started crying…  A LOT. We are renting and I do NOT want to pay to replace this shitty ass carpeting… nor did I want to clean it up.

I called my mom crying, trying to hold back the urge to punch a giant hole in the wall, to vent. She kind of laughed at me and the fact that I was soo distraught by this occurrence. Mombled some “I told you so’s” and told me to go buy a wet vac…

After I spent an hour and a half picking up giant running piles of rancid shit with paper towels, I went to Target and bought a Spot Bot wet Vac. Best investment ever!

I placed that thing on top of each staining pool of shit, hit the button and it automatically cleaned each spot for me.

I had to constantly move it, and scrub in some spots.. but 4 hours later, I got it all up…

And I didn’t even throw up once!

So this was my Tuesday evening. Spent cleaning up more shit than I have ever seen in one sitting.

Now Loki stays in his crate while I am at work… I DO NOT EVER want to come back to the house and find ANYTHING like this again.

The end.